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In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas.
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Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks.
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Hungarian Empire against Russia's aggression in Ukraine.
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OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea.
Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants.
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Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'.
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Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left.
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Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president.
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news.
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ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios.
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths.
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State.
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Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'.
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy.
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Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness.
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As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases 'T' keys for White House keyboards.
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Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free.
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Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time.
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Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two.
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members.
Travel advisory: airlines now offering flights to front of TSA line.
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President George Washington: 'Redcoats do not represent British Empire; King George promotes a distorted version of British colonialism'.
Bovine community outraged by flatulence coming from Washington DC.
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders.
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President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise.
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National Enquirer: John Kasich's real dad was the milkman, not mailman.
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Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first.
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Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations.
Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles.
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours.
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office.
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Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone.
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market.
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Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents.
Weaponized baby formula threatens Planned Parenthood office; ACLU demands federal investigation of Gerber.
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first.
Study: crony capitalism is to the free market what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christianity.
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Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account.
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'.
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy.
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Impressed by Fox News stellar rating during GOP debates, CNN to use same formula on Democrat candidates asking tough, pointed questions about Republicans.
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CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate.
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Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original.
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Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district.
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans.
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President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser.
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