DNC launches 'Carlos Danger' action figure; proceeds to fund a charity helping survivors of the Republican War on Women.
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Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president.
Experts debate whether Iranian negotiators broke John Kerry's leg or he did it himself to get out of negotiations.
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President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy.
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ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios.
Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original.
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate.
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Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market.
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free.
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first.
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As Obama instructs his administration to get ready for presidential transition, Trump preemptively purchases 'T' keys for White House keyboards.
Weaponized baby formula threatens Planned Parenthood office; ACLU demands federal investigation of Gerber.
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Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles.
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise.
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Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State.
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In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas.
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Shocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same people.
President George Washington: 'Redcoats do not represent British Empire; King George promotes a distorted version of British colonialism'.
Voters in line behind her still suspicious, use hand sanitizer.
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents.
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Che Guevara's son hopes Cuba's communism will rub off on US, proposes a long list of people the government should execute first.
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss.
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Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week.
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Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths.
National Enquirer: John Kasich's real dad was the milkman, not mailman.
Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'.
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Gloves finally off: Obama uses pen and phone to cancel Putin's Netflix account.
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy.
GOP primary winner, demands access to White House bathroom.
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Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks.
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White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders.
Democrats vow to burn the country down over Ted Cruz statement, 'The overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'.
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Study: springbreak is to STDs what April 15th is to accountants.
The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too.
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Statisticians: one out of three Bernie Sanders supporters is just as dumb as the other two.
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser.
Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare.
US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?
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Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness.
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Iraq after Putin took away his red crayon.
Hungarian Empire against Russia's aggression in Ukraine.
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US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba.
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'.
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left.
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Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America.
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Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans.
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Travel advisory: airlines now offering flights to front of TSA line.
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'.
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Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members.
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White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'.
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